Home alone

I'm alone for the first time ever for new Year's eve. It feels good. Somewhat. I'm reading cheesy chick lit tonight and enjoying it damn it.

I'm also still hung over from last night I don't know if I'll make it to midnight.

The Station

Suzie and Sarah and I meet for dinner and drinks. We end up drinking 3 or is it 4 bottles of wine.
We really are lushes.
Near the end they start asking me about the dating. I quit it, no luck this time around.
Then Suzie wants to know what is up with me and Benny. Nothing. I haven't talked to him since Christmas 2006 and they were both there and witnessed my breakdown.

It get weird Suzie is like You guys should go out. He's not doing anything. I'm texting him.

Good thing she's really had enough wine that texting is difficult.

I give them all the reasons why I shouldn't be with Benny and why it's crap and never going to be good.
Benny is why.

But he is one of the best kissers I've ever had the pleasure to kiss.
I admit it, I keep comparing others to him, no one yet has been as good.

Merry Christmas

James Dean send me a text message wishing me a Merry Christmas. Weird. He's hot and cold. I wish we could be friends.

Good and Evil

Some guys I know have art in a group show downtown titled "Good and Evil".
I want someone to go with me.
So before I go to work I IM James Dean. I'll try one more time. I do like hanging out with him. The other night we had a good phone conversation, even though I'm a nightmare and was drunk. Although he never made time to bring his daughter over for card making.

I need a wing man.

He says he'll go. We text during the day.
He comes over around 7 and we head downtown.
When we get there the two guys I know are outside. Rick gives me a big hug. Bryan says go in and have a beer. I feel good. I know people.
We head inside and James gets a beer, I get a glass of wine.
We walk around and look at the art.
Bryan's good painting has weird pod aliens having their arms reattached. It's strangely sweet. The evil painting has their arms being sawed off by an alien machine.

Our other friend Emily's husband has sold his piece. That's "sweet".
All of the sudden James is freaking out. He sees someone he knows and is trying to "hide" he beer. He tells me that he is on antidepressants (explains some things!) and this guy knows his sister. She's on antidepressants too and they aren't supposed to be drinking alcohol. Why do I try?? He gets over it. We have another drink. We enjoy ourselves. We talk to Dave the street artist I work with, he's entertaining. James is enjoying talking to him.

The rest are moving on to the bar next door. We follow. I buy us beers. We chat. When James uses the bathroom I let Rick know he's "some guy I'm fucking" When he asks about my "friend". I feel like I'm using him like an accessory, which I am.
When I get back from the bathroom, Bryan tells me James bummed a cigarette off him and went outside. I go out to look for him and he's not in the outdoor area where all the other smokers are. Hes over on the other side away from the bar, all alone. He makes me sort of sad.

We go home. He tells me some stories about girls who want to hook up with him, we are buddies. I think he has a thing for his lab partner, but he denies it.
He spends the night but it's not fun. He can't come. We are tired of trying to pretend were into it.

Christmas party #1

Some friends just moved. They are having a house warming/Christmas party. I go hoping some eligible men I don't already know will be there. No. There is one guy who keeps trying to talk to me but I'm just so uninterested and tired I can't get into it.
I meet a nice woman. We complain about dating in Seattle. I need to concentrate on me.

Benny is there. He has a new hair cut. One of the lads points this out to me. Weird.

Off internet dating

I can't take it any more.
I have no time.
Too much with Christmas coming.
I'm done for now.
I'm hiding my profile.

Fear and loathing

After brunch yesterday I called my friend Katherine and we went to a little gift party and bought some handmade gifts and had a few drinks.
We then decided to go to the bar her boyfriend works at for more.

I got a text from Emo boy.
Katherine encourages me to get him to meet us.
He takes the bus over, so it takes an hour or so.
We have had a few drinks by the time he shows up and have just ordered food.
He looks at me as he sits down and says "You're drunk."
I'm not working tomorrow is my response.
He seems very disapointed.
It just gets worse.
I go to the bathroom and when I return he and Katherine are in a heated conversation about Johnny Depp and Hunter S. Thompson. She walks away and I try to pick up the pieces. Emo boy hs become psycho. Tears are coming out of my eyes.

I'm not even PMSing. I am just tired of dating. I'm tired of being misunderstood.

I say to him lets go for a walk. I apologize and we walk down the street and I tell him he' a sweet guy but this is obviously not working. Good luck.
I know he thinks I'm a freak. I have never done anything like this before with someone I didn't know.
I am his worst internet date.

I get home and call James Dean. He listens to my story and makes me feel better. He says maybe he'll bring his daughter over to make Christmas cards.
I will never find someone to love again.
I'm so sad.
I'm drunk.
It snowed today.
I skiped yoga for the first time since starting.
James Dean calls to say they can't make it over for card making. I'm busy Tuesday and Wednesday. It won't happen. At least he made an effort.

dating resume

Meet up with Lance for brunch.
He's young.
There is something weird he does with his mouth when he talks.
He's funny.
We have no spark.
I am not what he wants.
I am never what they want.

He has a theory about how everyone should have a "dating resume"

He needs to leave so he can get down town for his next date.

You go boy!!